Since “journey’s of a prodigal daughter” is a little over a week old, i thought i would take a moment to reflect on why i began a blog. I had been contemplating it for a while, but would ultimately talk myself out of it when i would hear Simon Cowell’s voice from American Idol in my ears saying, “That performance was just indulgent.” Translated, who’s gonna be interested in reading what i have to write? how presumptuous. get over yourself, carrie.
and realized that i needed a place to communicate my thoughts.
Previous to my encounter, i was feeling a little overwhelmed with the suffering side of life. It was the week before mother’s day, and i have lots of people i love who struggle significantly on that day. Either because they lost their mom way too early to cancer or because they have been struggling with infertility for a long time. There were also things in my own life that were feeling particularly heavy to carry.
But these weren’t the things that inspired me to go back and take a photo. What motivated me to chronicle this moment was thinking about a little boy in my church named, Finny Schultz. He was back in the hospital even as i was running with such a high fever that i’m sure those making thermometers added that degree merely as a suggestion, not really believing temperatures would register that high. Finn has mitochondrial disease to which there is no cure or treatment. I’ve learned more about cell biology from following his struggles than i ever did in my college classes. Because, like with anything else it’s easier to comprehend things when they matter to you. and his fight is breaking my heart.
i had been talking to God about my friends, myself, and finny. i had asked Him to help me process of all of this hardship and seemingly endless struggle around me. I have come far enough in my faith and have dealt with enough heartbreak, that “why” is seldom the first thing that reaches my lips when i hit this wall. I have been around enough people who have looked at me with tears in their eyes and a heart full of pain and asked me that question themselves. Why?, they ask. why was i not worth protecting as a small child? why am i not getting pregnant? why can’t i get my husband to pursue and love me? Why can’t I wake up just one day and have the energy and outlook on life i so desire? Why did he have to die so young? To which, i sit with a full heart, and all i can say is, “i just don’t know.”
it’s not much of a response, and it even discourages me that we so seldom get the answers to our deepest questions. But i’m thankful that what we do get in those moments, is God. God does listen to the heart cries of his children as psalm 116 assures us. “I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because He bends down to listen.”
But not only does he bend down to listen, He does so as one who really knows the person to whom He is listening. God knows that i think in pictures and metaphors. and He knows that i fight daily to believe in the possibility of redemption to signficant irretrievable losses and grievous pain. i believe that the snake pancake was His answer to me on that day.
This is what i heard. “Carrie, i know it’s hard sometimes to walk this earth. There is so much sorrow woven into the fabric of joy. But it will not always be this way. I’ve told you that i cursed the serpent. I was the one who made him crawl on his belly groveling in the dust. And i am the one who will one day crush his head. (gen.3) Nothing will be left of evil, suffering, and death.”
I realized in a new way, that there will be a day when sorrow will reign no more. There will be a day when little Finny will run and play with boundless energy. He will sit at a banquet table and eat to his heart’s content without losing all of the nutrients that his body cannot but desperately needs to process. There will be a day when my friends will be reunited with their moms. A day where those that feel the pain of motherhood deferred every waking second will receive a double portion of blessing for their suffering.(Isaiah 61) As for me, well lets just say….i’m counting on Him making all things new.
So it was a picture to comfort me, but i believe it was also to challenge me. To challenge my thinking of where can i take part in the bringing about of God’s kingdom today. Where can i, in my stay at home, homeschooling mom self take part in crushing the head of evil. Maybe it’s in just being kinder and more thoughtful towards my family. Maybe it’s finding a way to serve the widows and orphans in my city. Maybe it’s beginning a blog:). who knows? but until then, we wait and we hope…..
Rev.21 The New Jerusalem NLT
“Then i saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and earth had disappeared. I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying “Look, God’s home is now among his people. He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things will be gone forever.”
And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making all things new.”
*great music for this topic*